Today, Dustin and I are celebrating our anniversary. We actually had to figure out a date based on the moment we knew we were committed to each other, which was weird. Remember in high school you totally knew your "date" because it was the day he or she circled "yes" on the note you passed that said "will you go out with me?" Things are more complicated now.
Dustin and I had been...let's say "dating"...for a while before September 7th, but it was that date that he and I went on our first vacation together...to Mystic Seaport, of all places. We had a wonderful time, and I think we both knew where we stood on the ferry ride home to Orient Point...and that was September 7th.
By the time you reach your thirties, most of us have had relationships of all different varieties. Brief romances, intense crushes, long term fizzlers, unrequited longings and flat out mistakes. I've had at least one of each. I think each relationship you have...even ones that don't involve sex or romance...prepare you and educate you for what you DO want in an ideal situation. You learn what works and what doesn't. And while you still may find yourself in a repeat crap situation, eventually you'll start to recognize a pattern and make better choices in a partner.
Dustin is good for me for many reasons, as I'd like to think I'm good for him. Ironically, and perhaps (to some) forebodingly, both he and I were coming off of very long term, very troubled relationships. I think for quite some time early in our relationship, that was something in the back of our minds...and probably the minds of those around us. I hate the term "rebound," but it was difficult not to think about that word in our situation. It prevented us from moving too quickly...or from admitting we were dating for quite some time. In fact, we worked together and hid it from our coworkers for about six months. Not easy to do in an office of like, eight.
Taking it relatively slow was a good choice for us. Like most women, I credit myself with knowing that this was "meant to be" early on...although Dustin claims he did too. But it's only with the passage of time that I can really see how truly lucky we are to have found each other. And before this starts to sound way too hallmarky, here are MY top ten reasons your relationship does not suck.
10. YOU RECOGNIZE AND ACKNOWLEDGE AND ACCEPT FAULTS EARLY ON, RATHER THAN TRYING TO IGNORE OR FIX THEM. No human is perfect. We all have really annoying traits. When I talk to some of my friends who are still in the dating game, I always see it as a warning sign when they've only been around the person a few times but already have things that annoy them about the other party.
"I like her, but she refers to her cat as her 'son.'"
"We have a good time, but he scratches his balls in public."
"She makes me laugh, but she is rude to waiters."
"I love spending time with him, but he lives in his ex's basement."
Deal breakers come in all forms. I once had to dump a guy because I couldn't get past the way he insisted on drinking wine. (Swirl the glass, deep sniff of the liquid, tiny sips and swooshes around the mouth, approval, big swig.) Nobody is saying that you HAVE to accept faults. If it drives you nuts...by all means...bail. BUT...your relationship does not suck if you can be around the little annoying things your partner does and not want to stab yourself in the eye with a chopstick.
(Dustin whistles CONSTANTLY and I suck on my teeth when I'm thinking.)
9. THAT WAS FUCKING GROSS, BUT I STILL LOVE YOU. The human body does disgusting things. I'm not a shy person, but like most people, I prefer to conduct my grosser bodily functions in private and not introduce them into routine conversations. I don't know if it's from being pregnant or if it's just because there's nothing either Dustin or I could do that would be so gross that it would be a deal breaker. I can freely talk about all the not so hot things my body is doing and Dustin will often not only accept it, but ask detailed questions about it. From the very first transvaginal ultrasound, all disgusting body things were completely accepted. Out of respect for Dustin I won't talk about any of his disgusting bodily functions, but suffice it to say there have been a few and I still love him more and more every day.
8. WOW...YOU'RE A LITTLE CRAZY...BUT I'M NOT GONNA JUDGE YOU. Yeah, I'm nuts. I'm the first person who will acknowledge that. I have an anxiety disorder that will bring me from normal, fun lovin' chick to irrational, evil beast in less than two minutes. Throw some pregnancy hormones into that mix and you're pretty much dealing with a need-to-call-an-exorcist situation. I've always done my best to hide my crazy in past situations, but again, pregnancy makes that all but impossible. (Side note...you don't have to be pregnant to know your relationship doesn't suck, it's just been the time in my life where my guard has been down the lowest and I've been at my worst, so it's a good way to tell just how solid Dustin and I are.) When I was about two months pregnant, we were moving from one crappy living situation to another. Tensions were already quite high because of all the drama we were experiencing. We had rented a uhaul and as you probably know, when you return said uhaul, you have to make sure it's full of gas and provide the receipt. For whatever reason, I forgot to get a receipt after fill up and pulled away. Dustin was following me in his car. About twenty seconds after I had pulled out of the gas station, I realized my mistake and called Dustin FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. It was an easy fix, he ended up going back and getting the receipt, no prob...but my reaction was SO off base...the fact that he didn't run for the hills is a pretty good indicator that my craziness is not a deal breaker. When you find a man who can deal with it, you don't let him go.
7. YOU SMELL, YOUR HAIR IS MAKING NATURAL DREDLOCKS, YOU HAVE A HUGE ZIT AND YOUR BREATH SMELLS LIKE YOU JUST ATE A POOP SANDWICH. C'MERE AND GIMMIE A KISS. Dustin and I are morning cuddlers. You know your relationship doesn't suck when you're at your grossest and can still kiss and cuddle. (While we're at it, what HAPPENS in the middle of the night that makes you so gross? I swear to God, sometimes I wake up and it seriously looks/smells like I've been camping for a month. In Africa. In the middle of a heatwave.)
6. YOU LIKE THAT SONG/TV SHOW/MOVIE? YOU'RE AN EFFING DORK. YEAH WE CAN LISTEN TO THE ALBUM/WATCH THE SEASON PREMIERE/RENT IT ON NETFLIX. Dustin has listened to all of the My Chemical Romance albums, watched several episodes of Glee and sat through all of the Twilight movies. I know a little bit of him died with each event. Nuff said.
5. THIS IS MY FAMILY. I WANT THEM TO KNOW YOU. I think a good indicator that your relationship does not suck is when your significant other not only wants to introduce you to their family, but also wants you to be a PART of their family. One of the greatest perks of my relationship with Dustin is the relationship I've developed with his family. They're the first family I love because of who they are...not because I have to or because they're my own family and I'm obligated to. When I started to see myself years down the line celebrating holidays, birthdays and other big events with this wonderful group of people, I knew I was at home in my relationship. And that it did not suck.
4. KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF. YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS. Nobody...and I mean NOBODY...has ever called me on my BS before. Dustin is the first person who will tell me if I'm being ridiculous by way of an overreaction, a worry, an anger I'm harboring, a jerky comment I make or a bad choice in general. The first few times it happened, it was disconcerting. Then I realized it was actually refreshing. It felt RIGHT to be so honest with someone. It was like the best of both worlds...being able to have an opinion, but not being agreed with automatically. It's just more real. And gratifying. AND...it's amazing to be able to do the same thing with him.
3. SEE THAT THING YOU'VE SEEN A THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE? I'M ABOUT TO SHOW IT TO YOU IN A WHOLE NEW LIGHT AND BLOW YOUR FREAKING MIND. One of the things I love about Dustin is his ability to see beauty in things that surround us every day. When we were first dating, he'd point at something like...a tree stump and say, "look at the way the bark is hugging that stump. Isn't that beautiful?" Or "Look at these grains of sand. Look at how the sun hits them and changes color. Isn't that beautiful?" Or "Look at those weeds under that frozen lake...they're going to grow into amazing plants in the spring. Isn't that incredible?" He saw things in a completely different way. I have noticed, as time passes, that I will point out things to him now that I never would have noticed before. He's actually CHANGED THE WAY I FREAKING SEE THINGS. In a way, he made my world bigger. That is pretty amazing.
2. I DISAGREE, BUT THIS WILL NOT TURN INTO AN EPISODE OF COPS. If everyone agreed all the time, the world would be a more peaceful, but incredibly one dimensional place to live. I have been in relationships before where the other party avoided confrontation at all costs. While I don't seek out discord, it became a sad, hollow, one sided relationship. Like the mental version of masterbation. It felt good but wasn't as fufilling and required too much self stimuation. Dustin and I will frequently have differences of opinion, but instead of becoming a springboard for an argument, it's a catalyst for a discussion. Usually we both walk away a bit more enlightened. Sometimes one of us will change our opinion, but it doesn't feel like a compromise. We can usually move on without either of us stabbing the other and that's definitely an indicator that things are going well in a relationship.
1. IT'S ME AND YOU, NOT ME OR YOU. The biggest reason I know this is for keeps is the way Dustin and I give and take for the benefit of the unspoken "greater good," which is us the entity, not us, Dustin and Erin. It may sound like an identity removal, but what I mean is how willing both he and I are to make things right for the both of us. And now that our daughter is almost here, for the three of us. It's completely involuntary too. We see what the other requires, and we each do what we have to do to make that happen. It doesn't matter if it's a material need or a hug or a grilled cheese sandwich. If one of us needs something, the other will make it happen. And it's not only for the other person, it's for ourselves. A sacrifice doesn't feel like a sacrifice when it's born of willingness. A compromise doesn't feel like a compromise when it's for a common goal. And love should be multiplied between two people, not divided into compartments like a cafeteria lunch tray.
It's because of these 10 reasons, and so many more each day that I realize my relationship does not suck. I consider myself one of the lucky ones, even if I do have to listen to Dustin whistle all the fucking time...sometimes even when he's asleep.
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